I knew before it started but I didn’t know what was coming. I left and fled to safety. That is how I persevere: I remove myself from the problem. While this is not a healthy option it is one of survival. I left the States in the Sumer of 2019.
I had every intention of maintaining my work but survival became a full time job. Personal development and processing of life experiences taking all of my energy and restricting my ability to fulfill my own desires and maintain my health.
Why did I need to spend so much of my time and energy on cooking when I had the funds to let others do that for me? Why was I so caught up in the narrative of needing to eat ‘healthy’ when the time I was losing could have been spent on benefiting other areas of my life?
I didn’t know how much of a mistake I was making.
Life returned to normal but the world outside of my safe country was still falling apart. My friends and family and all of you are suffering. There is little I could do and my heart was breaking for those I loved. I was breaking. The world I knew was dying and with it people and things that I loved.
I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. Any amount of these that I could convince myself to do I would. The world kept turning around me and I was no longer participating in it.
I tried to stay connected to reality. I tried to participate in festivals with my tribe online. Thank you, my church family, for feeding me. As part of one event we all cooked and ate the same meals together yet apart. I missed cooking and I put in what energy I had to order ingredients ahead of time and cook with everyone. I ate this nourishing food for multiple days in a row with my tribe, my family, those I love and who love me.
I cooked the same dish again the next day and ate it all week. I was nourishing my soul but I didn’t know what I was allowing my body to do. I was waking up and after a week I realized something was different. The fog was lifting.
I don’t know what it was that I ate but the fog came back and I noticed it. The fog went away the next day and my first impression was it was wheat/gluten. Three weeks later I am realizing it is much more complicated than that.
I feel like I am starting my food journey all over again. I was upset with the world that I had to deal with all of my food restrictions and I couldn’t participate in normal activities with my coworkers and friends because I couldn’t eat. I tried to be ‘normal’ with my food and somewhere along that line I disappeared and my mental acuity disappeared. I didn’t realize how serious my food sensitivities had become.
I am back now and while that means this is just the beginning of my next food journey it means that I can share it with all of you again. I am committed to sharing my new stories and food challenges and discoveries with you. I had ‘scheduled’ many posts on this blog that seam to not have posted over the last 6 months and for that I am sorry I was unable to keep my commitment to you all here. I will slowly be reviewing those articles with the intention to publish them as they are ready.
But for now: back to the food journaling days 😦
Jillian Carnrick, founder and manager of The Dancing Herbalist, has a Masters of Science Degree in Herbal Medicine, practices as a nutritionist, and is a Certified Personal Trainer and Exercise Is Medicine Professional through the American College of Sports Medicine. For more learning opportunities or to speak one-on-one with Jillian visit The Dancing Herbalist.com.
Featured photo ‘Sunrise over a volcanic cone’ was taken by Jillian Carnrick in Jeju-do South Korea on July 31, 2020.